By Eli T. Cohn
I am a Millennial who recently got engaged to be married. In the short weeks since, I have been frustrated by the realization that many of my close friends and family who are rabbis would not officiate at my wedding because my fiancée is not halachically Jewish. We practice Judaism exclusively and she has never been an active member of another faith community. As an alternative, we have decided not to have a traditional religious wedding ceremony but rather one that contains particular Jewish rituals that we find meaningful. I believe that our story is a microcosm of the Millennial generation, now the most populous in the United States.
My case represents a hard truth for our community, as well as an opportunity for engagement and growth. The hard truth is that the fight over Jews marrying non-Jews is over (I refrain from using the term interfaith for reasons described below). Outside of the Orthodox community young Jews are increasingly marrying people of different faith backgrounds, and will likely continue to do so. Meanwhile, the Jewish community worries that these marriages will result in lower levels of engagement with Jewish institutions. I propose that the problem the Jewish community is experiencing with Millennial engagement is not the problem of Jews and non-Jews marrying, but rather the communal attitude toward these marriages. It is not necessary for our community to view marrying someone from a different background as symptomatic of assimilation. Instead, we should be using wedding ceremonies of all kinds as a catalyst for Jewish institutions to begin long-term engagements with Millennial couples.
It is well known at this point that Millennials are not pre-disposed to join institutions, Jewish or otherwise. I believe this is related to the changing nature of our communities. Often, Millennial communities do not exist locally or even in physical spaces. As a result, the institutional functions of personal validation and meaning making are not as relevant to the Millennial generation. We have no problem finding meaning and acceptance in global, virtual communities.
Millennials are also selfish and uncompromising. If my fiancée and I meet with a rabbi about our wedding and are told that we need to make certain personal or lifestyle changes in order to have a Jewish wedding, then we won’t have a Jewish wedding. Millennials are far more apt to tune out institutions than to feel like we need to bargain over our acceptance as individuals or as couples. Millennials want to be accepted for who we are, and right now many Jewish institutions are not meeting that challenge, since even forcing us to ask for acceptance can lead to feelings of inferiority. Think of us like Perchik and Hodel in Fiddler on the Roof; we are not asking for your permission, but we do sincerely want your blessing.
I want to offer some helpful dos and don’ts for all Jewish institutions to consider when thinking about marriage and Millennial couples, particularly those couples that come from different backgrounds:
Dos
- Do create separate young adult programming for singles and couples/families. The current young adult model in most communities defines young adults as anyone 21-40. We need to acknowledge that there are many life stages undergone during this time period, and our programming ought to reflect that.
- Do develop a unique space for families who come from mixed or otherwise non-traditional backgrounds. Let us have a space to talk openly about our relationship to Judaism and the Jewish community, our successes and our pitfalls.
- Do encourage clergy to coach couples in and potentially even officiate at extra-halachic marriages. Please, help us find ways to incorporate Jewish meaning and ritual into this significant time in our lives even if we do not opt for a traditional ceremony.
Don’ts
- Don’t use the terms interfaith and intermarriage. We know that the Jewish community considers interfaith marriage a problem, so as soon as you call us an interfaith couple you are labeling us part of a problem. Further, interfaith is not a nuanced term. For example, we are not an interfaith couple even though my fiancée is not halachically Jewish. Ideally we would just call it marriage.
- Don’t expect me to drop my kids off for religious school when you wouldn’t marry me. The commonly held wisdom in our community is that young Jews re-engage with synagogue life when they have kids, but many Millennials are hoping to engage at marriage, which represents the outset of the creation of a family. If we feel pushed away at marriage there is no guarantee we will be back in a few years when we have kids.
- Don’t turn people away who are trying in earnest to be a part of Jewish life.
All of these things are already happening. Millennial Jews are marrying non-Jews, we are talking openly about our troubled relationships with Jewish institutions, and we are finding ways to integrate meaningful Jewish rituals into our weddings. It would be better, both for us as couples and for our communal institutions, if these conversations were taking place within an established Jewish framework. In the immortal words of Bob Dylan: “If your time to you is worth saving, then you better start swimming or you’ll sink like a stone, for the times they are a-changin’.”
Eli T. Cohn is the Project Director for the South Peninsula Jewish Teen Foundation.
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We welcome you and your fiancé into the wide expanse of the Jewish community which we call Big Tent Judaism, irrespective of what others may say or do.
Rabbi Kerry Olitzky
ELI T. COHN SAID:
“The hard truth is that the fight over Jews marrying non-Jews is over…”
MY PERSONAL RESPONSE:
That might be true where YOU live, but there are places where it is not true, thank G_d.
Believe-it-or-not, there are Jewish communities that have intermarriage rates of less than one-half-of-one-percent.
MARK MY WORDS: the fight to stop Jews from “marrying” non-Jews will NEVER be over, so long G_d grants that I continue to live and breathe!
Babylonian Talmud, tractate Sanhedrin, page 82A:
“A Jew who is physically intimate with a non-Jewish woman,
he is considered as if he married an idol”.
Babylonian Talmud, tractate Kiddushin, page 68B:
According to Jewish Law, no marriage can exist between a Jew and a non-Jew.
EXPLANATION: Even if they undergo a wedding ceremony and live together for many years, they are NEVER married to each other. Since they can never be married to each other, no divorce is needed when they separate from each other.
Midrash Tanchuma, Parshat Vayesheb, end of chapter 8:
A Jew who has sexual intercourse with a non-Jewish woman…
she brings him down to Gehinom [Hell].”
It was terrific to read this piece about the Dos and Don’ts of engaging millennials, and there are several helpful tips here. But based on our research here at InterfaithFamily, we have to advise practitioners against following the Don’t not to use the term interfaith.
Since 2007, we have surveyed visitors to our website biennially to learn more about what they want, how we can be of the most help, and about their lives and demographics. We commissioned Rosov Consulting to conduct the most recent survey on our behalf, completed earlier this year. And, as in past years, we found that respondents like being called an interfaith couple or interfaith family more than they like any other term. Specifically, 60 percent of respondents in their 20s and 30s said that they preferred the term interfaith more than any other term. Said one respondent: “Interfaith to me describes that there is the presence of someone with a background other than Judaism in the family. Even though my family identifies as Jewish, and my husband is a non-practicing Christian, we are still an interfaith family.” As another said, interfaith may not be a perfect term, but it’s better than any of the alternatives.
On the other hand, we do hope that more clergy will follow Eli’s “do” to participate in weddings and other lifecycle rituals of interfaith couples and see them for the opportunity they are: a chance to deepen a connection with Jewish life and meaning. For those clergy who are interested in officiating at the weddings of interfaith couples, consider signing up to be a member of InterfaithFamily’s Jewish Clergy Officiation Referral Service. It is a seminal moment in interfaith couples’ lives, and you have the chance to show off the beauty of Jewish life.
Jodi Bromberg, CEO of InterfaithFamily
Way to go Mr. Cohen – let’s turn away everyone that does not fit your liking since there is obviously no place in our communities for anyone who is not 100% Halichly Jewish. Reminds of a demagogue not so long ago. Or the Chief Rabbinate today – the destroyers of contemporary Israeli society.
Dan Brown, there is a very basic point that you do not yet comprehend:
Judaism is a religion for Jews only; that explains why it is called Judaism.
If Judaism were for everybody, it would be called Everybody-ism.
Listen, I have enormous respect for you and I am truly thrilled about your decision to get married. I have to say I disagree with what I see as a basic premise here- that millenials must be catered to in everything they want or else they will leave us; that the ship has sailed on this issue and we face a choice of betraying our long held beliefs or betraying the future of the community. Instead I think we have to be reminded that no relationship can really begin (or find renewal/growth) with an ultimatum. So just as it’s the wrong move for a community or its leadership to say: change your whole lifestyle or we won’t accept this choice, it’s also wrong to say: change your beliefs, assumptions and boundaries for us or we’ll leave you. I don’t think that is “earnestly seeking relationship” with Judaism and Jewish communities anymore than refusing to help you with your wedding but expecting your children to attend Hebrew school is earnestly seeking engagement with millenial couples. There’s trust that has to be developed here. Perhaps part of the issue is that, by the time a couple has decided to come to the Jewish community looking for help with their wedding it is too late to have an impact on the question of “who.” We can admit that that question has been decided- but then we must also be able to admit that there are other ways to show support and build relationship besides officiating a wedding, and that perhaps faith communities should be functioning as something more than life-cycle event vending machines. Perhaps we can let people do the rent-a-rabbi thing; or even choose to have non-religious lifecycle events, and not call that a crisis or demean it, seeing it as one choice among many. Maybe we (synagogue communities especially) can be there to offer support in other ways. I don’t know. I struggle on this issue personally- both as a rabbi-to-be with a deep conviction that officiating marriages between Jews and non-Jews is not going to work for me, and as a person getting married to a partner who was not born Jewish, but chose that later in life. I wish you so much luck and love and happiness. Mazal tov again!
Eli-
This is well written and your commentary on the current religious climate is quite accurate. Many of the other commenters seem quite out of touch with “Millennial Judaism”, and are the very people who are driving people like you (and me, and many others) away through their negative talk and otherwise disparaging remarks. I applaud your willingness to find a middle ground that works for you, as, after all, it is you that is getting married and deciding how you want to live your life. I wish you the best luck in your marriage and in your continued observance of Judaism, I hope that you do not let people like Mr. Cohen bring you down, as he represents so much of what is wrong with this religion.
I’ll leave you with this, “only a Sith deals in absolutes”. While it may be semi-comedic to bring Star Wars into this discussion I feel it is rather poignant, those who are accepting of “alternatives” will grow the Jewish community, those who are not are very much at fault for shrinking it.
The difference Mr. Cohen, is I would welcome Eli and his not halachically Jewish fiancee to my Shabbat table. You wouldn’t.
Did you meet with Reform clergy? Many will perform interfaith ceremonies, particularly since your partner is very participatory.
I appreciate hearing the view of a millennial on this subject as it adds to my education and knowledge of our changing world. That being said, my wife and I are about to celebrate the 32nd anniversary of our interfaith marriage. While our ceremony was conducted by a rabbi and contained Jewish traditions, it was not a Jewish wedding. It was a civil ceremony with Jewish overtones. While modern liberal thought would have us redefine historical boundaries, a Jewish wedding is conducted between two Jews. Two years ago our son, who was ritually converted to Judaism, had his own interfaith wedding ceremony combining Jewish and Catholic traditions as his bride and her family practice Catholicism. It too, when push comes to shove, was a civil ceremony conducted by a rabbi and a priest.
For those still bemoaning that interfaith marriages are the downfall of modern non-Orthodox Judaism and its institutions, you need to look at your own prejudices. For your institutions to survive they need to reach out to everyone considering walking in their doors (not necessarily cater to the spoiled millennials who seem to prefer the “flavor of the month” vs. any long term commitments – this is by no means all millennials). Welcoming is not enough, you need to be inviting (ask someone to join you at a function, not merely say hello when you both show up in the same room).
As Interfaith Family appears to attract mainly interested Jews, we also need to consider expanding “interfaith” to include those practicing the various versions of Judaism. I also have a daughter in the process of joining the Orthodox community. Virtually none of us practice our religions the way our parents did and I had not preconceived notion that my children would be any different. What is sad is the negative reaction from my liberal Jewish friends, many have known my daughter her entire life. It is a sad day when a synagogue would be more welcoming to non-Jewish clergy than an Orthodox Jew.
Being part of a community frequently involves compromise, but every community has some boundaries. I hope the institutions I belong to can continue to change so that they are accepting millennials, just as I was accepted by the older generation of my institutions. By the same token, I hope the spoiled millennials, again not all, can find a way to compromise so they don’t find a way of spending their lives as groups of one.