What if your very first experience with Christianity was when you attended church with a loved one on Easter? You might hear a theology very different from your own and find it hard to connect with the service and the rituals. Now imagine that the service was in Latin! What might you think? Would you feel like you belonged there?  

As a rabbi, I’ve sat with countless couples, many of them interfaith, for premarital counseling, having conversations as they begin to imagine how Judaism and Jewish community might be a part of their family’s life. On a fall day leading up to the High Holy Days, one couple I was working with eagerly told me how excited they were to go to services together for the first time — for Kol Nidre, the night before Yom Kippur.  

As Dan Smokler and Rabbi Shuli Passow wrote last month in eJewishPhilanthropy, we know that the High Holy Days often serve as an entry point into Jewish community for many young people. And yet, this time of year can be a tricky time to navigate Jewish community, especially for an interfaith couple. 18Doors has been at the forefront of helping to prepare Jewish organizations of all sorts for the upcoming High Holy Days by offering trainings and sharing relevant online resources to attune Jewish communal professionals and clergy to the unique needs and experiences of interfaith couples and families, both during the holiday season and throughout the year.

The recent JFNA study Smokler and Rabbi Passow reference has told us about the “The Surge,” comprised of previously less-engaged Jews who are now showing up in larger numbers to Jewish life. At 18Doors, we are eager to learn more about what this data set specifically has to say about interfaith couples and families in 2024. Smokler and Rabbi Passow offer a valuable framework and concrete next steps for communities to employ at the coming High Holy Days; but without being explicit about the specific ways that interfaith couples and families engage with Jewish community, we will miss a huge opportunity come Rosh Hashanah. 

We know that 72% of non-Orthodox Jewish adults married between 2010-2020 are in interfaith marriages, and that only 27% of people in interfaith marriages feel a sense of belonging in the Jewish community. That leaves two-thirds of this demographic who might be seeking belonging at this moment in our people’s history.  

In a 2021 article in the Australian Journal of Psychology, a team of researchers led by Kelly-Ann Allen define belonging as “a subjective feeling that one is an integral part of their surrounding systems, including family, friends, school, work environments, communities, cultural groups and physical places.” Allen et. al.’s research offers four components of belonging that can guide Jewish communities in increasing inclusion among interfaith couples and families at the coming High Holy Days: competencies for belonging, opportunities to belong, motivations to belong and perceptions of belonging.  

Competencies for belonging

What does an interfaith couple or family need to know in order to feel comfortable and find a sense of belonging when they walk into a Jewish communal space at the holidays? Inviting both newcomers and returnees into meaningful Torah study and the doing of mitzvot (sacred obligations) can be an important on-ramp to connection, but only if there is scaffolding that allows everyone to participate. This can include: offering translations for both Hebrew words and insider terminology; consistently including transliterations for prayers; and providing educational opportunities for interfaith couples and families to learn more about the holidays together.

Opportunities to belong

The High Holy Days have the potential to be a powerful opportunity for interfaith couples and families to find belonging. Rabbi Passow and Smokler have made several suggestions that will create connection among community members. To most effectively engage interfaith couples and families, communities can:  

• Be mindful of speaking equally with both partners in a couple, not only with the Jewish partner about their journey or the partner from another background about why they’re in a Jewish space.
• Refrain from making assumptions about which partner in a relationship is the Jewish partner.
• Identify time and space for interfaith couples and families to gather, learn and celebrate with each other.  

Motivations to belong

Within the 40% of previously disengaged Jews now looking to connect more deeply, there is a diversity of prior experiences with the Jewish community, demographics and motivations to participate. Professionals and lay leaders engaging with “The Surge” would do well to not assume why couples and families are engaging, and instead to bring a sense of curiosity as they welcome those turning towards Jewish community by listening empathetically to interfaith couples and families, through one-on-one and group conversations, and learning more about the obstacles preventing interfaith couples and families from joining or being more involved in the community. 

Perceptions of belonging

Allen’s research notes that “a person with a history of rejection or ostracization might question their belonging or seek to belong through other means.”⁴ A deeper understanding of who makes up “The Surge” is necessary to understand how they might perceive their belonging to the Jewish community, so as a community, we can better make space for them and for their stories and experiences. In the meantime, communities can use an interfaith inclusivity statement to explicitly welcome people from all backgrounds to the community, out loud and in print, at the High Holy Days — and back this statement up with intentional steps to increase connection.

Rabbi Miriam Wajnberg is the director of professional development for 18Doors, which empowers people in interfaith relationships – individuals, couples, families and their children – to engage in Jewish life and make Jewish choices, and encourages Jewish communities to welcome them.