By Joel Abramson
With the high holidays behind us, I can finally share my biggest secret. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and even Sukkot give me incredible anxiety! Passover does too, but not likely for the reason you think. It’s not because I’m worried about knowing all the traditions, or making enough food, and it’s not about sitting through hours and hours of service worrying about the meaning of it all.
No. What really stresses me out about the holidays are whether I’ll be invited to a dinner, or a break the fast, or a little gathering.
I’ve lived in a few different cities (as millennials tend to do), and this upheaval of my life to move to a city where I didn’t have built in connections was nerve-wracking. I remember having a beautiful Rosh Hashana dinner with my wife, and while grateful for all life had bestowed upon us, I was feeling very lonely. Don’t get me wrong, we attended a local synagogue, as well as the local young adult fundraising events, and swapped cards and phone numbers with people, but there we sat, alone.
So, what’s the message here?
People (old, young, singles, couples, families, gay, straight, trans, etc.) don’t care about your programs, or your childcare, or even your services. They crave connections to community. They want a chevre (close-knit group), that will invite them over for Shabbat dinner and holiday meals and make them feel included in something bigger than themselves.
There’s an assumption that people are only finally willing to join a synagogue when they have a life-cycle event and need the services of a spiritual leader, such as a Rabbi, and while that might be true, they would join if their closest friends were members too.
Learn who walks through the door, and if you can’t write it down, tell three other people their names so someone will remember them. Sponsor a kiddish at someone’s home (“You mean I have to leave my cozy sanctuary?” YES) and invite them over to eat and connect. Send an email to your entire congregation and ask them who might have space to host a couple or family in their home for a holiday with a follow up request to see if anyone needs a home for that holiday.
And I’m looking at you too JCC’s and Jewish Federations. Are your members/prospects finding a sense of community with their membership and philanthropy, or just checking a box?
People might give your agency money because of a fundraiser, or a sisterhood, but they will love being a part of your community because they feel a part of a family. Make sure no one is left behind.
Joel Abramson is the financial resource development officer of the Jewish Federation of Nashville and a graduate of the Hornstein MBA/MA program at Brandeis University.
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I would strongly agree that the traditional Jewish value of hakhnassat orchim–welcoming guests (to your table or home)–is not common at too many synagogues and Jewish institutions. Chabad is well-known for free home-cooked Shabbat meals, and probably why so many college students participate in their programs. We should, as a community, also make sure that those who are not partnered be extended meal and housing invitations, not just couples and families, as is recommended by this piece. Indeed, those without a significant other in their life–whether young, middle-aged, or elderly, and probably comprising a significant minority of all Jewish households–tend to be in even greater need/desire of community, but are often overlooked by Jewish institutions, which typically prioritize outreach to families over those who are not part of a couple.
Absolutely. The recommendations for invitations was meant to be fully inclusive, whether it’s a young single person moving to a new community, or an aging adult looking to expand their social circles, as well as couples and families. Thank you for affirming their inclusion. All walks of our Jewish community should feel “invited.” And I love that you referenced hakhnassat orchim, which is such an important value for both our professional agencies and fellow community members to embrace.
I’ve been thinking about this for some time and glad that it was written about as I think it’s spot on. I belong to a very special synagogue in New York (outside of Manhattan) where I think we are flourishing and have a healthy dose of millenial and young family engagement. I recognize there is always room for more but I marvel at the number of young people who regularly attend our Shabbat and holiday services. Our rabbi consistently introduces me (and others) to newer members or those visiting and I have to believe that he does so for this reason.
There are communities where the rabbi is the focal point and wants to be the sole addressee to new members and, while a connection with clergy (I am a former pulpit rabbi) is important and often appreciated by members, equally crucial is the role the clergy play introducing people to one another. It helps remember the names and fosters stronger connection, relevance, and community among the members.
For 25 years, I was a member of a very innovative temple in the Boston area with a well-known rabbi. The temple always promotes itself as having a “great community.”
But I have Asperger’s, and I was always socially excluded there. No, I’m not the kind of person who is totally unaware of social norms or goes around offending people. But I cannot read body language, and my facial expressions are such that people seem to frequently misunderstand me. I sometimes have trouble making conversation with people.
So I’ve rarely been invited to Shabbat dinners, break-fasts, seders, etc. Most of my overtures to get together with other people have been rebuffed. I talked to the rabbi but, while he was sympathetic, he didn’t have any solutions to offer.
So from my point of view, unless a congregation finds a way to socially include people who are a little socially awkward or unconventional, it’s not a community. To be clear, I’m not talking about people who act offensively or seriously violate social norms. Except in special circumstances, such people should not be included.
We run a program of outreach to visiting
Israeli graduate students in the Boston area that pairs Jewish community families with the Israelis for Shabbat dinners and other opportunities for fellowship.
The impact has been transformational.
We are called Bnai Bayit or BetBet for short. Check out BetBetprogram.com.
Hachnasat Orchim is our thing in our program of mutual relationship building!
Ps. I meant to say BetBet program.org!
The article and all the comments are very worthwhile
It’s not rocket science folks…
It’s simply being aware and thoughtful that eating in a group is better than eating alone!
Being inclusive is part of who we are as Jews. At Ikar in Los Angeles the rabbi will often invite new people to stand up and introduce themselves. Lunch at Ikar is free and regular every Shabbat. It is a simple and very smart way for people to connect. Sometimes we do not return home until 3pm! It’s a Kodak moment of Jewish life alive and well!