Opinion

BUILDING STRUGGLE MUSCLES

Education and soft skills: The support we all need

In Short

There are many soft skills we need to navigate the world, and self-regulation is an essential one.

During the pandemic, many of us worried about learning loss. Would our children be able to “catch up”? Would they be forever challenged by lesser instructional experiences? It appears that the educational impact of the pandemic was real, and more severe in communities facing poverty and other challenges. Privilege was a protective factor, although not perfectly protective. All our children struggled, and many continue to struggle. 

But the measurable educational loss of content knowledge — in reading and math skills, for example — is not the only problem we face today. Our children lost “soft” skills: the ability to sit, to listen attentively, to stay on task. They are more distractable. They complain of feeling “unsafe” when often they are simply unable to tolerate their own discomfort. Teachers complain about behavioral challenges that create educational challenges. We all seem to be falling behind.

Kids need to learn — we need to teach — that struggle builds useful muscles. 

There are many soft skills we need to navigate the world. We need compassion, kindness and patience. We need self-awareness and the ability to listen. We need to appreciate our blessings and address our weaknesses. But the skill I worry about the most is self-regulation. This is the ability to understand that everything I think does not need to be said; the ability to wait my turn; the ability to be fully present. It is the skill of reading the room and responding to other people. It can appear as a person deciding not to drink alcohol or eat sweets, or reading all the instructions before we try to assemble something. It is an essential skill for adults. All competent adults self-regulate — not all the time, it’s true, but we have the ability to manage our own impulses. It is a skill that is developed and honed in childhood so that we can use it as adults. 

For me, the goal of parenthood and teaching is simple: We aren’t raising children — we are nurturing the development of adults. What adult skills can and should we be supporting and developing? A sense of drive or mission. Conflict tolerance. Ability to adapt. Curiosity. Ability to develop and maintain deep connections with others and with ideas. Optimism. Understanding the limitations of our own power. All of these are struggle muscles, and they all support mental health. 

Jewish spaces are ideal breeding grounds for adult skills. We learn the skills needed for respectful argument through text study. We learn about families and relationships in Torah stories. For those lucky enough to learn it, mussar — the Jewish study of leading an ethical and meaningful life — provides opportunities to develop and nurture inter- and intra-personal skills. But our children need to learn these skills; they are not innate. 

We need religious school curricula that not only teach content and hard skills like deciphering Hebrew but also emphasize soft skills. We need to be intentional in designing learning that integrates practicing soft skills as we teach history, stories and values. We can teach empathy when covering the story of Sodom and about adapting to loss when we teach the story of Jacob and his sons, but we cannot assume our children will understand these implicitly. 

I know there are lots of wonderful curricula out there, written by scholars who know both pedagogy and content. What I hope for is curricula that recognize the special needs of this time. We can and must teach our children — and their parents — to be members of a society that values character, kindness and the ability to struggle with complex problems. I think our future and our children depend on it, and our stories and values are a perfect place to start.

Betsy Stone is a retired psychologist who consults with camps, synagogues, clergy and Jewish institutions. She is the author of Refuah Shlema: Reflections on Healing and Growth, a compilation of her earlier eJP articles.