Since Oct. 7, I have personally felt caught between my Jewish and LGBTQ+ identities, as though I have to take a stand on one side or another — choose between posting a slogan or a violent meme on my social media. I was isolated in spaces that were once warm and friendly, but this feeling was unfortunately not new to me. 

A survey published by Eshel in February found that 44% of the 133 parents surveyed reported their children being treated differently in synagogue after they came out, with 67% reporting that their children felt they had no choice but to leave Orthodoxy. How can we be so worried about antisemitism from outside when children aren’t even safe in our own communities? 

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In May, Gila Romanoff of JQY poignantly highlighted in eJewishPhilanthropy that LGBTQ+ Orthodox Jews must be included and protected as part of the fight against antisemitism. She expressed fear that their voices, and their Judaism, were being lost.

While the examples of rejection are plentiful, the evidence of acceptance also cannot be ignored. In June, Eshel celebrated both its founding anniversary and Pride Month, and more than 500 community members, LGBTQ+ and allies alike — Orthodox rabbis, teachers, parents and more — lent their voices to inclusion for LGBTQ+ Orthodox people. They demonstrated the value of allyship by showing up at our celebration gala, listening to our stories and testimonials in person and on our website, and lending their support .

So many people in Orthodox communities are privately allies: They would never reject an LGBTQ+ person from their Shabbat table, or not invite them to their family simcha. But publicly, would they demand that the same LGBTQ+ person receive a kibbud (honor) in their shul? Would they demand an LGBTQ+ family be accepted into their local day school? While some Orthodox organizations are standing up to say they’re inclusive of LGBTQ+ people, most would still prefer to deal with the question on a case-by-case basis rather than take a stand. At Eshel, we continue to work with community members who won’t be listed in our materials; rabbis who won’t publicly say their shul is inclusive; and administrators who don’t want to acknowledge LGBTQ+ students and families. 

Eshel has helped hundreds of LGBTQ+ Orthodox Jewish people and their families find shuls, schools and communities where they belong. We have consulted with hundreds of leaders, rabbis, educators and more, but how does Orthodoxy get to a place where LGBTQ+ people don’t need an organization to help them find a safe community? How do we shift the stance of not just individuals and leadership in private but the entire community? 

The key to that shift lies in allyship. 

In June 2023, a kosher bakery in West Orange, N.J., came under fire for refusing to bake Pride-themed items, citing the instructions of the baker’s rabbi. In response, some members of the community announced they would no longer support the bakery; others struggled to understand what they should do. 

A community member took the step of inviting Eshel to give a talk about allyship. Through engaging in conversation about the queer Orthodox experience, the community learned about standing up for what they believed in and what mattered most to them while not talking over the voices directly being hurt by the debate. 

The moment presented an opportunity for Eshel to reach communities on a new level, and we are proud to be the recipient of an SRE Network field building grant to fund our new Welcoming Communities Project, launching this winter. The goal of the project is to connect with groups of people in community hubs — synagogues, schools, federations and organizations — to educate them on the experiences of an Orthodox queer person in their community, and the ways in which allies can support them. Eshel believes that through educating communities and creating allies, we can be a catalyst for change on a communal level. 

LGBTQ+ Jews have always needed allies. LGBTQ+ Orthodox Jews especially need allies. Allyship emerges when people start listening, and Eshel is proud to begin spearheading that work this year. In the same vein, I implore Orthodox communities to look at themselves as a whole and think about what allyship means to them — not just around their own Shabbos tables, but in their shuls, schools and more. In a year where we have all faced tremendous external pressure, it’s time to stop isolating ourselves, and to begin listening to each other. 

Ely Winkler is the director of advancement for Eshel, which works to build LGBTQ+ inclusive Orthodox Jewish communities. A seasoned advocate and activist for LGBTQ+ Jews, he oversees Eshel’s strategic development and organizational growth after spending 15 years in fundraising at Jewish day schools and yeshivas.