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Comments

  1. Vicky, your article is well-reasoned, but I don’t think you’re really disagreeing with the premise, but rather the solution.

    It seems like your own congregation is responding to the same issue raised in the article you cite. Isn’t that why you joined the B’nai Mitzvah Revolution? So the bar/bat mitzvah experience wouldn’t be cookie cutter, that it would be a meaningful, personal experience that was just one marker on a long journey of Jewish activities? While the families quoted in the article may not have come up with your solutions, they’re dealing with the same challenge. Maybe, as you suggest, the answer lies beyond this often-isolated ritual.

  2. My bigger issue than the sameness of the service is rather the sameness of the celebration. The same power of peer pressure that contributes toward competition to have the biggest and best party should be rechanneled for better outcomes. If families were incentivized to do some good in lieu of holding a lavish affair, it would hopefully spark a competition in this direction. My favorite part of every Bar Mitzvah is hearing the child describe the mitzvah project that they did. I wish more of the ritual was about that and less about the best band and the most lavish party.

  3. Cantor Glikin, thank you for such a wonderful response. I agree with you completely. Most importantly about the bar/bat mitzvah being a communal event. A student (in the Reform Movement) at age 13 becomes a bar/bat mitzvah whether or not there is a ceremony or big lavish party. Of course it is a right of passage and one that should be share in the community, and if that student is raised in a synagogue community i.e. religious school, attending services, involved in youth group etc… presumably the family of the bar/bat mitzvah would want to share the simcha with the community that has watched the student grow. I feel that if the family and the student are involved in the synagogue and the community then the focus is taken off the party, it becomes far more important to be a good representative of that community. We also have to remember that these are 13 year olds and they are going to want to celebrate, it is up to the parents to determine how big or lavish that celebration is. For those who choose to make this life cycle event non-communal, that is their choice, and it say a lot about their focus of a Jewish life.

  4. Beautiful response to an infuriating article and a dangerous trend that threatens Jewish continuity. Thank you for getting this important message out into the world.

  5. Charles – you’re absolutely correct. I’m disagreeing with the solution when families opt out of congregational life. I believe that in order for a Bar/Bat MItzvah to be meaningful, it needs to happen within the context of a community. The same goes for Jewish education.

    Involved member – I agree. The focus should be on the ritual and on the mitzvot rather than on the celebration. How do we create an atmosphere whereby children (and parents) take pride in the number of volunteer hours given or the verses of Torah chanted? I think that naming the issue and addressing it with the students and parents is the first step.

    Kelly – I agree that when the Bar/Bat Mitzvah happens within the context of a synagogue, there is a higher probability that the event itself will be more about the ritual and less about the party. That’s not to say that synagogue members don’t throw lavish parties – they most certainly do. But, it is to say that synagogue members are exhibiting a commitment to being a part of the broader Jewish community and are teaching their children the same. Like it or not, Judaism is a communal religion.

    Cantor Sklar – thank you!

  6. Cantor G. Thanks so mucn for this well reasoned response. The part of the Crain’s article that bothered me most was the suggestion that it was a burden to have a Bar Mitzvah service where anyone from the community could attend. In fact what I love about our tradition is that family, friend and even stranger are all important participants in prayer and in rituals such as Bar Mitzvah. Community is what makes us stronger.