[This essay is from The Peoplehood Papers, volume 17 – Engaging Millennials with Jewish Peoplehood What Does It Take? – published by the Center for Jewish Peoplehood Education.]
By Beth Cousens
This is a personal story, but it’s not about me.
I grew up in a thick Jewish community. On any first days – of school, of camp, of youth group – when I would come home and tell my mother who I met, she would inevitably suggest that I knew them already from JCC Mother-Toddler or preschool or kindergarten religious school. When I went out to dinner during college breaks I could count on seeing someone I knew from camp or youth group. There was always a Hanukah Roll special on the board at the sushi restaurant. There were three grocery stores any of us shopped in for Passover and the pre-seder reunions in the store aisles were as important as the seders themselves.
These communities still exist. At the same time, a variety of forces – the housing market, intermarriage, globalism, sheer economic opportunity – have pushed more Jews than ever away from thick community. Our bonding capital, Robert Putnam might say, is lessening. The experiences that bring us together are slipping away.
I’m evidence of that. I live now in Bavel, in San Francisco, a place that has rich Jewish opportunity but little thick community. My son sees no Jewy Jews on the street, not even Jews walking to shul on Yom Kippur. There’s no sushi named for our holidays. The challah tastes funny, when we can get it. He will become close buddies with non-Jews at his Jewish pre-school. None of that is bad, but the Jewishness is not palpable.
What I’ve learned from leading Federations in Millennial engagement (Boston, Detroit, Northeastern New York, Chicago, Vancouver, Los Angeles, among others) is that reweaving Jewish community is possible. It takes anchors and architects – educators and other professionals who are paid to do this work, volunteers on an outreach team. It takes all of us acting as Malcom Gladwell’s connectors, “bringing the world together,” getting over the awkwardness of introductions to make them, constantly, making sure that at any Jewish event – I’m making this up, any metric will do – we make ten new introductions. It takes our having event after event that builds new micro-communities, bringing small groups of people together for deep conversation, scheduling a get-to-know-you coffee with a recent college graduate and bringing another recent graduate along, inviting a few newly married couples of mixed religious backgrounds for Shabbat dinner and giving them lifelong friendships (as well as a group of peers that can support decision-making about Jewish life). It takes an emphasis on relationships, on quality, not quantity.
And what I’ve learned is that Millennials care; they’re open to engaging, maybe even eager to engage. With these connections, they see people they know in synagogue on Rosh Hashanah. They read the Jewish newspaper, looking to recognize names. The grocery store and the mall become Jewish experiences. They begin to feel at home, a sense of belonging. They come to know Jewish community in their kishkas.
Feelings of belonging are intangible but they aren’t without cause. That is, we can’t touch them, but we can influence them, literally tying North American Jews back together. We probably won’t all learn Yiddish or revert to Philip Roth’s Newark, but we can know each other. Maybe that’s all we need.
Dr. Beth Cousens is the Associate Vice President of the Jewish Federations of North America.
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Beth — I love this. So eloquent and insightful. Three things I’d like to add:
1) I think these observations extend beyond millennials too. We all want community and belonging. We don’t all know how to create it for ourselves, or don’t yet understand that it takes work and input to get the value out of it. (When we started a new school at 3rd grade, the parent association chairs said “come volunteer with us not because we need volunteers, but because it’s the way you’ll meet other parents and really become part of the community”.)
2) All professionals needs to learn how to “design for social” — we need to understand that this is necessary, if not sufficient. Meaning, if we can’t figure out how to weave the network well, nothing else will matter. People will go elsewhere to find community and meaning. If we become experts at doing this, all else will flow from it.
3) PLEASE keep sharing what you are learning — theory and also practical bright spots. It’s really important and I hope we can amplify this conversation (and work) in the Jewish community.
Great essay – realistic and optimistic. I would add also that this work needs to be done with sincerity – the goal of the relationships that are formed is meaningful relationships – ones that build connectedness to other human beings and deepen awarness of the self; “Jewish”
is a tool to help lubricate the relationships and, as the journey unfolds it may be that additional Jewish tools, provided by additional Jewish organizations, will have something useful to contribute to the relationship. But affiliation and participation must never become objectives unto themselves.