Every day we feel full of need. Need to get things done, to move the needle, to work harder, longer. We take on new tasks, we make more phone calls, we run creative programs. We are in person or hybrid or Zooming. Even the word “Zoom” implies that speed will help us connect. Whether the tasks are “administrivia” or purposeful, we are busier than ever. There is a sense of pressure and demand that, for many of us, organizes our days. 

At the same time, we are spent and exhausted. A rabbi told me recently that she feels the way she did as she underwent chemotherapy — spacy, worn, depleted. We are used up. And we create more tasks for ourselves. New ways to celebrate holidays; new courses to teach. More phone calls to make.

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I think this sense of urgency is a false antidote to the pervasive sense of powerlessness many of us feel. As we careen into COVID winter number 2, our programming and tasks help us to keep our despair at bay. They help us move away from a government barely able to function, another variant, our loneliness and grief, global warming and school shootings.

I think it’s past time to admit that we cannot do this. We’re overwhelmed. It’s too much. Teachers, who spent much of last year working under extraordinary circumstances, have run out of steam. Clergy simply cannot hold any more pain. Parents might even be underparenting!

For so many of us, our response to this pervasive exhaustion is to work harder. To spend what little physical and emotional strength we have pushing to meet the needs of others. It’s as though we think that urgency will overcome exhaustion — and that’s simply incorrect. 

I keep thinking that there is a huge lesson here. Maybe we have forgotten how to live lives of meaning and purpose. We have forgotten to rest, to recover, to say no. What if we began each day giving ourselves permission to say no What if we understood that Moda Ani is not simply restoring my soul, but giving me responsibility for it? What if we honored that other people can say no, without being lazy or obstreperous or bad?

Research has long taught us that grief is a full body experience. It is powerlessness, fear, struggle. People who are grieving sleep more, get sick more often, and don’t think clearly. COVID has been 20 months of grief. Jewish tradition teaches us that mourners are exempt from some obligations. Can you allow yourself to be exempt? Can you say no to the board, the boss? Can you respond to the urgency with a calm and measured question — does this really matter right now?

In many ways, the real challenge is to bosses and boards. Will you prioritize the person over the work, marking many tasks as not yet, not now? Will you tell clergy to work one fewer Shabbat, and have lay leaders fill in? Will you hire a temp or simply admit that it cannot all be done? Will you work to preserve the sanity and family life of employees? Will you allow them to say no?

Early in COVID, the CEO of a large Jewish nonprofit challenged his staff to give up some of their responsibilities. He asked, “What doesn’t need to be done?” His staff of professionals struggled to move projects to the “pause” list. It’s always difficult for us to say we’re not going to do things. Maybe now we simply must do so, for our own health. 

We are rushing to return to work spaces, to in-person meetings, to travel and tasks that challenge us intellectually and emotionally. None of us are fully ready for all the changes that are ahead. After 20 months of fears and isolation, none of us will adapt quickly. 

So spend some of your urgency figuring out what is really most important. Understand that personal resources are limited, and direct yours where they will do the most good — for you and for others. We may produce less “output,” but maybe we will do more good. Celebrate your achievements, even when you aren’t at the finish line. We’re never at the finish line. 

The task may be urgent. The demand may be passionate. And YOU matter. Can you say no once in a while?

Betsy S. Stone, Ph.D., is a retired psychologist who currently teaches as an adjunct lecturer at HUC-JIR. Her classes include Human Development for Educators, The Spiritual Life-Cycle, Adolescent Development and Teens In and Out of Crisis. She is a regular contributor to eJewish Philanthropy.